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Amaranthine Lover

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Friends Only and Promoting Page [
January 15th, 2025,
1:38pm
]

3 long years ♥ we'll count the days.

[
August 11th, 2017,
10:08am
]
my heart continues to not be in the right place. i've been up and down all week, still. the sting of it all still really hurts. i keep having in my head that i want things with other people, randomly. but i know that that's not true. i can't tell what's true and what's not. i can't deal anymore. i'm falling apart. i don't know how to put myself together. i cry. i sob. in pain. i've dreamt about jordan thrice in three weeks. each time different. each time it hurts my heart. this is so messy. i want the pain to cease, but nothing helps. there's no bandaid. i want a deep hole, somewhere dark, to bury myself in. doesn't he know what this is doing to me? doesn't he even care? i know he's in pain, too. but i can't comfort him. and nothing is comforting me. why am i like this? why do i deal with fucking mental illness? nothing will ever be right for me. and i can't accept that. i try to have hope. but sometime, it will end. and with that, it will be the end of me.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
August 10th, 2017,
9:48am
]
I miss him. I'm scared I'm starting to lose him. It's nothing I can control. We were once, but we aren't now. We need space for now. I can't even talk to him. I miss his companionship. Life feels empty without him. I'm miserable. Sometimes I feel alright, but then I wonder if I'm just suppressing. It's hard to tell. I still cry and feel it in my gut. So sad, so miserable. I need him, but I can't have him. It's for the best. Idk what to do. Nothing helps. It's hard to get my words out into the air. Nothing's getting easier, they just seem to be getting harder, more complicated and complex. All I wanna do is go home and hide in the dark of my bedroom. But I know I can't. Depression sucks. I love him, but now having him here makes it so hard. Idk what to do with myself. I still feel so lost and confused, not really knowing how I am feeling, like, I am so torn. I can't tell what is me and what is the disorder.  Maybe I'm meant to be this way. Idk what I'm supposed to gain from this pain. I'm just drowning so deep inside myself. It's hard staying on the surface. I need something real and true to keep me grounded. Help before I disappear and disintegrate into nothingness. I am trying to distract myself, talking to other people, but it feels wrong, like I am cheating on him or betraying him. This is the worst. I just want clarity. What is the true answer? I can't find it for myself.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
August 8th, 2017,
10:54am
]
yesterday was my birthday. I turned the big 30. Nothing special to celebrate. Only emotions to weed through. It was a truly misterable day. It rained all day. I cried in pain all day. I had a nice accupressure massage that calmed me for a bit. It's kinda like reiki. Reminded me a bit of my friend Dan. Then I splurged on a tattoo that says Chaos of my beautiful mind, which best describes my struggle with bipolar. I wanted to see Detroit, but I had so much going on yesterday that I just let it alone for another day. Dinner was okay. I was up and down all day, and I tried really hard to keep it all together. Came home and watched Orphan Black, which is a really good show.

Now today, I feel more calm. More tired than anything else. Nothing really is causing me concern. Yet. We'll see how it goes. I still miss him. But I can't do anything about it. Except be sad and mourn the loss of it all.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
August 6th, 2017,
8:00pm
]
[ mood | depressed ]

 I find that I still miss him. I haven't gotten any better; it just keeps getting worse. I know what depression feels like. But it's been a long time since I've truly been there. It's like I'm scratching at my skin, peeling it away in layers. I clasp my hands over my ears and scream on the inside so no one can hear. I can't let it out. And when I think it has passed, it's still right there, staring me back in the face. And I just want to crumble. And I just want to disintegrate. Into dust. Become mere percolating particles blowing away in the wind. Only it's the stench of my pnce past life keeping me rooted here. And I don't know which way to go. It's useless. What's hope? Why does it feel so foreign to my fingers? I've lost him, and with that, a part of myself that I didn't know could be lost. It hurts, it truly does. But I let my tears flow anyway. For now. Before the final storm sets in.

♥ we'll count the days.

[
August 4th, 2017,
7:17am
]
I did nothing but cry all day yesterday. I took down all photos of him and saved them. I cried over physical photos I have of him. it feels like my heart is ripped in two. I know he is keeping everything to himself. he broke up with me to spare the pain of being in a relationship. fucking bipolar. it ruins everything. i can't do this anymore. i'm trying so hard to keep it all together, but just every day, the depression is getting worse and i'm more and more miserable. i miss him so much. but I can't have him. I'm unwell and have to focus on that. i just wish this were easier. it may never get easier. i love him so much. this was real. i may never have that again.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
August 3rd, 2017,
7:32am
]
My heart wants something so badly that it can't have. I guuess maybe I shouldn't have seen him so soon. It's been so hard not seeing him and barely talking to him. Just the constant emotions being all over the place. I'm lost and confused. Everything hurts. I feel like I never will move on. I have no ill thoughts towards him. I love him so much, it hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I just want the pain to go away, I don't want to experience this pain. I wish I could have him, but I can't have him. We're just too different, and I acknowledge this. But still, my heart rules over me now, and it's been hard trying to muffle that, trying to pretend that everything is alright and fine when it's not. When I think of him, or of being in love with someone, and all I can picture is him, his face, the way he held me, just the comfort he brought me. I miss his companionship, the way we used to be. But I started downward spiraling and losing all sense of control of myself. And that was the end of it. I ruined my relationship, just like I said and knew I would. And I lost him. And now I have to scrape myself together and move on when in my heart, I know that I can't. hence why I'm so lost and confused. how long will this pain last?
1 long year ♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 24th, 2017,
3:14pm
]
Dear Journal,

I know it's been a while since I've written in here. A lot has happened since that last post. On Thursday, the day of my last post, my anxiety was getting the best of me. I have been feeling irritable and irritated, especially towards Jordan, and Wednesday I just felt that way towards him, and lately, everything Jordan does, regardless if it's harmless or not, has been annoying and bothering me. I went to see Dr. Kanwar, the new pyschiatrist, and we raised my Remeron dosage to 15mg. I'll see if that helps any. I also went to see Tiffany, and we sort of made a break through. I always get to a point in my relationships where my anxiety just gets to much and I have to bail. But here, I don't want to bail. We came to the conclusion that I might be tired of Jordan, or something like that. So I rushed right over and shared this Jordan, which resulted in him breaking up with me, and it's been fucking with my mind ever since. I called out Friday and stayed in bed from 9pm Thursday night to about noon/1pm Friday afternoon, and only got up to go to the bathroom. I have been getting so hostile with how upset I've been feeling, and I banged my head a couple times on the floor and took scissors and cut my left calf. I also just sat there with a Tylonel bottle in my hands. I really have wanted to end it a couple of times over the course of the last few days. This has been a really severe episode for me. Friday afternoon, I reached out to friends, and my friend Cera invited me out to lunch, and I met her at her house and we got lunch at this Korean BBQ chain, which was good. We also rode around doing quick errands, got snacks and a movie and went back to her house to watch it, and also Netflix. It felt good to see her. I also talked to Jordan through Facebook messenger, and talking to him calmed me down a lot. The next day, Saturday, I went to this Under Armour sample sale and got leggings for $30. Then I picked up Weekley and we went to Artscape, which was fun. We were going to go see a movie, but decided against it, and instead grabbed dinner and went back to his house to watch a movie. I talked to Jordan that day as well, and we still love each other, and this is hard. Sunday, I had therapy with Tiffany. I do not know if talking to Jordan is causing me anxiety right now, it's really hard to tell what I am exactly feeling, so she recommended that I do not even message him while we are having some space. That threw me into another tailspin. I went grocery shopping with my mom, came home, and just exploded in my room. I did nothing but cry all day yesterday and earlier this morning. I saw my friend Becky later last night, and we talked and caught up. Now it is today and I still feel lost, hurt, upset, and sad. I miss seeing Jordan, I miss talking to him, and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. This is driving me nuts. I've been talking to friends, and one of them suggested this support group, so I emailed them for more information. I don't know when I am going to talk to Jordan again. I need this space. I am bipolar, but this is so hard because I can't tell what is real. I feel like two people at once and it's driving me beyond nuts. I just want to die. This is so hard. I know I love him.

Cheers.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 20th, 2017,
10:02am
]
Dear Journal,

I haven't drunk any alcohol in 3 days, and I have been fine, but I've noticed that I've been more agitated yesterday and today. Yesterday, I felt agitated all day, and then I felt even moreso towards Jordan. I settled down once I ate. I always notice this, it's like I get hangry and after I eat, I always seem to feel like an entirely different person. It makes sense, but it is annoying as all heck. Today, I feel anxious. It's not like it's bad or anything, but still I have been feeling better for like a week or so, and now I'm kinda stuck back. I go to the pyschiatrist today, so I will see what's going on and see if there is anything that can be done about it. Today is my last physical therapy session for my buttox area, so I need to make it a habit of doing the exercises that I learned, that way they can help that area. If not, I will look into what can be done further. I also have therapy with Tiffany, so I can looking forward towards that because I need to let some steam off due to what's been going on inside my head. Then I am going to karaoke with Weekley, which should be fun. I won't have to do so much driving around. It's just up and down the highway once. Plus, this reminds me, I really need to get to my old pyschiatrist's office and request my medical records be sent to my new pyschiatrist. And I need to call Lab Corp and see what is going on with the amount that they have been billing me. Then there is all the work that I have to do at work. God, there is a lot going on. But I can do it, I know I can! Just deep breathing and positive affirmations.

Cheers.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 19th, 2017,
9:56am
]
Dear Journal,

I've been doing better, but here and there, I am still feeling that anxious, unsettling feeling that just won't go away. I'm trying to keep my head above water and keep my spirits up. I know where the light at the end of the tunnel is now, I just have to keep pushing the darkness out of the way. I hate being so up and down all of the time. I did well for a few days, but my anxiety is sorta back, even though I am trying to push it outta the way and push ahead. It's been a busy past few days. I hung out with Weekley on Friday and there was no karaoke. I did some overtime on Saturday and then sold my Corolla, which I got $100 for. That's going to be birthday money. Then I went over to Jordan's, but did not spend the night. I just could not sleep. The past few nights I have not been sleeping well, but I have been drinking a lot more than I usually do. His bed is at a really bad angle, and he kept moving, so after a few hours of trying to sleep, I just up and went home, and once I got there, I did not sleep at all, either. But I did end up going back Sunday morning and we went to the outlets near DC, and it was a very enjoyable experience. The construction of the complex is amazing and the shops have a good selection. I got away with a pair of long solid grey leggings from Oakley for $25. Then we had dinner. Monday, we went out for dinner at this BBQ place in Odenton called The Hideaway. It was very good. Again I did not sleep that night. I take Ambien, so I should be sleeping. I have decided to not drink for a while to see if that changes anything. Alcohol can mess with the Ambien. Last night, I had no alcohol, and I sleep hard. I think I may have found the reason behind why I was not sleeping. Today, I am taking Jordan out to El Salto's in Brooklyn Park. It's really good Mexican food for really cheap. I know that once my day starts rolling, my anxiety level will decrease and I will be able to calm down a bit more.

Cheers.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 14th, 2017,
10:05am
]
Dear Journal,

I did so much better yesterday than I have in the past 2 months. Just the constant reeling feeling, (lol, haha, rhyming) gets the best o f me at times, thoughts that I cannot control, I feel like I sometimes am losing myself to myself. I guess this is very common, though I wish it weren't, especially for me. I did have some mild anxiety, but nowhere near as how it has been. I did pretty well up until later last night when my father just pissed me off and it triggered a reaction that I am not proud of. I lost control and I felt pretty bad about it. I haven't done that in a long time. I guess I am slowly getting better, just not where I want to be right this very minute. Jordan thought I was mad at him because he interprets tone through text, and he always does that. That's why he didn't call me, I had to call him. I think we're all good now. I talked to my therapist about my wavering interest in sex. If I'm not in the right frame of mind, I am not interested. If I am feeling good, well of course, naturally I am interested. Jordan felt all down on Monday, but he told me that he feels better now. It sucks because my mental shit affects other people, and I have no control over that and how they react. Today, I am feeling a bit anxious, more than yesterday. It sucks because I was doing better yesterday, and now I slid back, and it kinda sucks. I hate what this mental nonsense does to me. It's not fair. I just want to be stable, and it's hard to keep in mind what that looks and feels like. Tiffany says that I am more stable than I was when I first started coming to her over a year and a half ago, but it doesn't feel like that. I guess it's because I have this picture in my head of the way things are supposed to be for me, and that is my goal, that is what I am reaching so hard for, and it feels like it's just right there, I just can't grasp it, and it sucks even more because it feels like I am being taunted. I have a friend, Dan, who has dealt with mental illness forever, and he's somewhat of a mentor for me. I sporatically will spill myself to him, and it helps because he acts like a gauge to me so I can track my progress of where I am going. I can do that, too, with Tiffany and even Jordan and my own mother. Their insight and observations are a fantastic clue on how I am doing since it is really hard for me to see myself from an objective perspective. Anyways, (I will use that regardless if it is grammatically correct or not because I want to, so stfu) I am hanging with my friend Weekley today. I've known him for quite a few many years and we don't get to see each other often, plus I don't really get to see friends anyways. He's been talking me up about his favorite bar up in Joppa, Maryland, so we are going there and going to drink, eat, and be merry. I hope this evening goes well, for I am a bit excited to just chill. Anyways, this is the end of this entry, so I will talk to you later.

Cheers.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 12th, 2017,
12:48pm
]
Dear Journal,

Yesterday was somewhat hard emotionally. I let my anxiety get the best of me there for a while, and I was crying and could not stop the swarming of where my mind was going. Today, I feel a bit calmer, though I still feel on edge. I hate that my thoughts and feelings always goes towards my relationship with my boyfriend, even though he has nothing to do with it, as I rationally know, but still cannot control. It feels devastating when I have those thoughts and feelings that I can't control. Everytime I get hit and slammed against the wall, it always feels like the first time, it's that strong and uncomfortable. I've tried this new thing of not paying any mind to it, and it lessens the monster for a short time, but it doesn't cure it, really. I haven't been talking about my anxiety lately to anyone except for my therapist, Tiffany. I've gotten ashamed and feel guilty for even the need to talk it out with anyone. I don't even let myself to think about any of it, not really. I'm almost in tears typing this, it hurts. I've been going through this episode for almost two months, so I feel helpless and really am miserable. I am STRUGGLING to hold it together, and nothing seems to be working. I feel at a loss. I hope by starting to record the thoughts and what not, that I will be able to let go the grief of what I feel, and perhaps the stress of this anxiety will lessen, maybe by just a morsel. Anything would be appreciated. I love my boyfriend, Jordan, a lot. I know that I want a future with him, but my mental problems are just constant, and I just want to feel stable and balanced. When is this going to happen to me?
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 11th, 2017,
8:36am
]
Dear Journal,

It's been a while since I have posted here. It's been a long time since I have been able to muster up the courage to share everything that is going on inside my head. I have been dealing with severe anxiety and moodswings for so long, I don't know how it feels to feel stable. I have been getting help for about a year and a half and although I know that I am not as bad as I was a year ago, I am still dealing with it. And I know that you don't get better overnight. I know that it is a long journey to slug through to get where I want to be. It's not fair sometimes to everyone involved, even those that are close to me and that love me. My poor boyfriend of a year and a half doesn't know what to do most of the time. Every time my anxiety acts up, which is daily lately, it's always directed towards him and I know it is mostly because I am closed to him, but the negative thoughts that swell up and consume my mind tell me to constantly break up with him, and I try to hard to not let myself spiral out of control, but there are times, like last Thursday, where I am just pushed over the edge and just spill. And it is very tiring, confusing, exhausting. I utterly feel stuck, I have the goal of what stability feels like, so that is what I am keeping in mind as I go through my days. I hope to use this more, as it might help therapeutically.

Cheers.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
January 23rd, 2016,
8:49pm
]
Do I even dare to use this thing anymore?
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 10th, 2014,
12:52am
]
reading back on some of my first entries in this, wow, I have changed so much. I am not young and naive anymore. not so aggressive. it appears that I have toned down in my old years.

it's hard to believe that was even me. when these days I can't even be bothered to feel much like myself. seeing as I am a victim of identity theft. someone used my identity when they were arrested for dealing heroin. so I have this criminal charge against my name. it's irking and rather unsettling. i'm so paranoid. I already have awful trust issues. this is just icing on the cake. always looking over my shoulder.

in other, more uplifting news, I will be going to centralia pennsylvania this saturday. the abandoned town that silent hill was based off of. this should be rather eye-opening.
2 long years ♥ we'll count the days.

[
May 12th, 2014,
10:03pm
]
MY CAR GOT STOLEN TODAY, ALONG WITH MY CELL PHONE, CREDIT CARDS, AND LICENSE, ALL RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY WORK.
♥ we'll count the days.

[
July 25th, 2013,
7:01pm
]
I'm slowly trying to dig myself out of this hole I've been in for close to a year now.
♥ we'll count the days.

constantly battling with myself [
July 23rd, 2013,
8:40pm
]
life has become an interesting thing to overcome as of late.
♥ we'll count the days.

desperate to journal [
November 26th, 2012,
3:39am
]
Read more...Collapse )
♥ we'll count the days.

AP Winnings: (continued) [
August 26th, 2009,
11:03pm
]
AP WinningsCollapse )

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